One Mans Trash is Another Mans Breath Mint
Recently a disturbing trend has begun to manifest itself in my daily life and I have found that I am coming into daily contact with a particular person with bad breath. I have frequent daily contact with this person… frequent & daily are the words you should be focusing on at this point. Now I am certainly not one to be judgmental or overly critical and certainly everyone has a “not so fresh day” that’s why breath mints exist and according to the commercials why Massengill sells their products. It is just every morning I come into my office only to have my Olfactory Senses raped by this stale, bitter, acidic smell emanating from mouth of this person. I do not know if it is a medical condition or a rotten tooth or if this person gives a rim job to a dead possum every morning before heading out to start the day. But my point is it is killing me and just sucks the life out of what could otherwise be a good morning and a great day.
I know what you are thinking as you read this… you are thinking; “Big Dirty, why not just have an adult conversation with this person about their breath?” Oh, I have on several occasions said: “Hey just a heads up you could use some gum or a mint.” only to have the person say; “Ok” or the dreaded “I’m alright.” When clearly they are not alright because their breath smells like they have a little man tap dancing in the back of their mouth with shit all over his shoes! But the issue still goes unaddressed. Don’t get me wrong a mint or gum wouldn’t touch this breath in fact short of spraying ROUND-UP in this person’s mouth I don’t know what could beat it back. I have begun to take this person’s breath as a personal assault on my nose and eyes. Yes, I said eyes… there are some days when this person is talking to me that my eyes begin to sting as if someone has rubbed raw onion and cayenne pepper directly on my eye balls. It is ROUGH! How could someone call themselves a Christian and cause so much pain to others with their breath every day?!
We are all human and I, just like the rest of the world, has had bad days (after a garlic heavy meal) where my breath has been humming. But as a human being sharing space with others I try to take steps to make sure I am not killing people with my breath. No one wants to be known as Dragon-Breath McGirk or Onion Alley. What has me so pissed off about it is that this person has had several people including myself tell them; “Yo, your shit is RAW!” yet they continue to refuse to take action.
True story and case in point… I was sitting in a meeting next to this person and before they even spoke or said anything my eyes began to tear up. So I asked, using my best grown-up at work voice: “Do you have an ear infection because you left ear stinks?” They said; “NOOOOOO!” and I took the assault of their breath full force. As I tears filled my eyes and I struggled to control my gag reflex I realized we had crossed into some Bad-Breath Death Zone that few people can be expected to return from. After regaining my composure and vision I excused myself from the meeting. This person’s breath was so bad that it was coming through their cheeks!!! WTF?! How is that possible?! It smelled like they had sold their mouth to the Devil… breath like that can only come from Dante’s 7 level of hell.
I have spoken to my boss about it and told him I can’t deal with it anymore. When he asked me what I thought should be done I told him one of two things should be done: First, the person in question should be required to have a “Pine Tree” car air freshener taped to the end of their nose so when they speak their breath has to pass in front of the pine tree scent. This would at least help to take some of the sting out of their breath. Mind you it won’t solve the problem… but it would help to beat the stink down and take the edge off. Kind of like that pine spray people use at after they stink up the bathroom at work. It doesn’t take the stink away but it keeps the next person in from being terrorized/ traumatized by the Mexican-Food induced DEUCE that had to be dropped at the work place. Secondly, I think that the person should be written up for excessive Ass-Breath at work. If I come into the work place and start telling ethnic jokes and using profanity then it becomes an H.R. issue and corrective and punitive steps are taken against me for “offensive behavior” in the work place. I would suggest that this person’s breath is equally offensive. The smell of raw sewage coming from someone’s mouth is more offensive than any “potty” words people use at work.
***Can anyone offer some advice to help in this matter?
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Tags: bad breath, big dirty, breath mints, Massengill, mouth, Round Up
I vote you get her a pine tree air freshener and see what she does with it. At least it would be a conversation starter!
LOVE the graphic! It’s perfect AND hysterical
You rock! Can’t wait to read more of your blogs. This was definitely the right thing for you to do. Great job!
My suggestion would be to write an anonymous note and leave it for him in his desk (or maybe in a coat pocket if he doesn’t have a desk)and just be very blunt, without using any profanity or name calling…lol
Great blog Big Dirty! All I can say about anyone with stank breath is offer them a cookie or fudge or anything that may take it down a notch if they are averse to gum or mints. Halitosis is a serious condition and co-workers should not have to be made to work in those conditions! I would continue to be straight with him, harsh as it may seem and hopefully they will get the picture! I say start leaving things on his desk like a Secret Santa that relate to curing his bad breath… one day, some toothpaste and toothbrush, another day, some gum, another day some mouthwash… send his e-mails with links on how to remedy his eye-watering breath like this one…. http://www.animated-teeth.com/bad_breath/t1_halitosis.htm. Bombard him with tools to get his condition in check!
Or you can just say, “Your breath is kickin! How about a tic tac?”
Maybe this person just needs to floss. Have you tried carrying a pack of tic tacks with you, popping a couple in front of this person and offering to share? You might also say something insightful like you like the way the orange onces taste around halloweeen time and the white ones during christmas.
OMG I am laughing so hard I am freakin crying!! I realize you are in pain over the breath thing. BUT, damn it’s funny! Oh and by the way
~
I love you ♥
Knowing you I thought you would have figured it out! Stick a GLADE PLUG IN up their ass and smack’m in the back of the head. Dah!
Calhoun you are a real lady & I love you too!!
Booger!
Is shoving a GLADE Plug in up their ass known as a Youngstown Breath Mint?!
Dude you are still the funniest guy I know!
Fight odor with odor. Enhance your diet with flatulence producing food and let em rip. You can also subject the offending party to some good old fashioned bromidrosis.
Good advice Sheik… a bit drastic but I have to admit that I have considered smelling my gym socks to help keep the taste of that breath out of my mouth.
Big Dirty, The Sheik has a point. I could contact Q for you and get some of his recipes.
Yo man, “this is a good place for a stick up!”
So I was at Target today just standing in line minding my own business. I happened to glance over at the last minute purchases they try to get you to buy while you are waiting in line and low and behold there hangs a row of what else but “pine tree” air fresheners. I laughed out loud to the point that other people started looking at me oddly. But thanks to you my what could have been a boring little shopping trip turned into an entertaining event. Even if the party was only in my own head.
I am glad to know I made you smile! I am just trying to stop hate… leave the world a little better than I found it.
Oh my God!! I am laughing so hard, I’m crying!! You are so damn hilarious!! Thanks for making my Friday start off with a laugh!
Glad I could brigthen your day!