Great Adventure
Great Adventure???
I have, as my name implies, always been a bit of large man. Even when I am in shape I am thick of chest and neck. As I have gotten older I have developed what my doctor refers to as; “A significant weight issue.” The result of the “issue” has been that I am as large as a small car. With that in mind I am willing to share my mis-adventure at Great Adventure.
A few years ago Mrs. Dirty’s family was visiting for a few weeks. They had traveled a great distance to get there and spent time hitting DC, New York City, Baltimore, and Philly to take in as much of the East as they could. One day someone (not Big Dirty) had the great idea to go to an amusement park to ride roller coasters and other such rides. Now as a kid and young adult I loved roller coasters. I still enjoy them from time to time but I no longer think paying a $99.00 and standing in line for two hours in the heat of July to ride a coaster for three minutes as a good use of my money or resources. But being the good husband and man that I am (or was) I drove everyone up for the day. I rode several “traditional” coasters while I was up there. We then got in line for the Super Man ride.
The Super Man ride is an awesome coaster no doubt! But because of the fact that your feet hang down (you fly like Super Man) and because you go inverted it has this roll cage harness that clicks down over your shoulders to keep people from flying off the ride to what I would presume to be a certain horrific death. As a result of the harness that secures you into the ride Super Man is not a one size fits all rollercoaster. It is a one size fits MOST rollercoaster. As I progressed through the slow moving line to ride the coaster I noticed the signs warning people about glasses and purses and the usual stuff. But hanging above from the ceiling was a sign that I had never seen before. The sign stated very plainly; “People with a chest size greater than 52 inches may not be able to ride this ride.” I began to think about the last sport coat I had purchased a few months before… it was a 52!!! I started to sweat the sweat of a big man who was worried that he maybe too fat to ride Super Man. How can I be too fat to ride Super Man?! He was faster than a speeding bullet and more powerful than a locomotive, and if I remember correctly he could leap tall buildings in a single bound!!! Could I possibly be too big for Super Man?! The sign kept flashing in my mind as I scanned the line looking for people who looked bigger than me. Slowly but surely we inched ever closer to the coaster until we were finally in the little cattle shoots that let you know what seat will be yours and that your turn is next. As I waited for my turn my heart began pounding and drops of cold sweat began to slide down my back. OMG!!! What if I am too FAT to ride?! What if I got to be the lard ass that has to get off cuz I am too freakin’ thick?! My anxiety level was off the charts!!!
The coaster flew back into the station and it was now my turn to step down into the coaster. Mrs. Big Dirty was next to me and her shoulder harness slid effortlessly over her shoulders to the tune of; Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! All around me the sounds of hundreds of CLICKS like mechanical crickets signified that everyone was securing themselves into the Super Man ride! All but one harness made that sound… mine! I pulled down as hard as I could and got no click. I exhaled and forced my back hard against ride and struggled to hear the clicking sound that would tell me I was locked into place. But to no avail.
I began to look for a dignified way off of the coaster when the 16 year old kid came walking down the line to make sure that every passenger was clicked in and secure. As he got to me I looked up at him and said; “Mine must be broken because it won’t click!” He starred at me with a look that said; “You lying ass you are just too fat to get it to click in.” He then did something that took me totally by surprise… he put his foot on the shoulder harness and stepped on it. I made a wheezing sound as the last bit of air was squeezed from my body and just as I thought my sternum was about to crack I heard a soft yet definitive… “click.” The kid gazed down at me and had a look of pride on his face… no doubt he was pleased that he had squeezed 10 gallons of Big Dirty into a 5 gallon space and gotten the damn harness to click.
Now I realize at this point I should’ve been really happy, after all I didn’t have to be the fat ass getting off of the ride and doing the Chubby Cub Walk of Shame… and for a brief moment I was… Then suddenly I realized the only thing holding me into this damn coaster was a harness that had clicked once! I looked back over my right shoulder to get the kid’s attention that had gotten the harness to click. Calling out though was difficult because my breathing was restricted by the harness. Fate intervened and we made eye contact. He could either see I had a look of concern or smell my fear because he bent down and asked if I was ok. I told him; “I got one click… is… is one click gonna be enough???!!!” Do you know what the punk mutha f*cka said to me???!!! He sort of shrugged his shoulders and replied; “Let’s hope…” LET’S HOPE?! WTF is that?! Look I HOPE to one day live to see a united Ireland or I HOPE on Friday night I don’t get too drunk and fall flat on my face. But should I really have to hope that one click of the harness will keep me from being thrown out of this freakin’ ride at 60 mph and a height of 150 feet???!!! Before I could respond the ride shot out of the station going from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. Instantly I began to scream like a 12 year old girl at a Hannah Montana concert!!! I shrieked the entire ride, holding on for dear life, trying to figure out if the laws of physics were working for me or against me (since I had never actually taken Physics it was anybodies’ guess) as my body pressed and contorted against the harness. As the coaster rocketed back into the station… I realized that hope had prevailed and I had survived. The question had been answered… one click was enough to survive the ride. I exited the ride on legs made of rubber and made my way into a men’s room where I threw away my now useless underwear. I spent the rest of the day playing Whack-A-Mole and the Ring Toss with the equally obese and mentally challenged.
Good Times!!!
Tags: amusement park, big dirty, great adventure, six flags, super man, weight issues
First of all big D, I was quite surprised to see the incorporation of the popular OMG above, but I have a teen girl so I’m ok with it. What I really want to tell ya is that: OMG! I had the EXACT same experience at Universal Studios a couple years back with one exception. My clicker tender was a few years older and most likely had less dentition! He made no remarks that frightened me, like your kid did. This guy after removing his foot from my harness on the Incredible Hulk Coaster looked at me with genuine concern, turned and began to walk away with obvious hesitation, paused looked back at me, shook his head and left me there scared and unable to breath. Difference between you and I is that, being the idiot I am I went back not once but four more times! At one point I think my clicker dude had tired under the strain of the obvious physical exertion of clicking my harness and had to have a co worker assist him!!!! Yea, well never claimed to be the brightest bulb have I?!
Yo MRN10man… you my friend are a nut! I guess if I had gone all the way to FLA though I might have done the same thing. I just didn’t want my kids to think of me everytime the drove passed Exit 7 on the NJ Turnpike!!!
Being 6′4″ and the polar opposite of skinny, I have the same problems with coasters. They need to keep the “You Must Be This Tall” sign at the beginning of the line, but in addition add a sign that is the silhouette of a larger than life person. The sign could read, “You Must Fit Inside These Lines to Ride This Coaster”.
My scariest experience is actually Space Mountain in Disney World. I folded myself into the ride and took off down the track. For those who have never ridden this ride, it is inside and pitch black. As I am riding a thought came into my head (yes just one), how tall of a person did they design this ride for back in the ’70’s? I ducked down the best I could for the remainder of the ride fully expecting to take a steel beam across my forehead.
Big-D, your mistake was stepping foot into New Jersey in the first place. You should have headed up the Hershey Highway to the land of chocolate. Yes, I mean Hershey Park not the “other” Hershey Highway. I guess because they are the destination for candy lovers, they are used to those with a girth disability. On the Great-Bear coaster they actualy have signs that say if you are “larger” sit in a certain row because the seats are bigger. Thus you could avoid the potential shame of not being “average”. And no, I did not have to seek out the “special” row even though my girth is above average.
Me and the “Little Dirties” have gone to Hershey Park and found it enjoyable. I like any place bought and paid for with chocolate money! I have ridden the COMET (the old wooden coaster) there since I was a kid.
I also once wrote a paper (with Lerch’s) help for school about “Why I Wanted to Be a Hershey Park Duck.” I might use it for a future post the story is a bit outrageous.
Big Dirty, I forgot all about that one. You will have to send it to me.
I just remember you typing away the shit I was saying on your old MAC as was just rambling away in a smoke filled room. WAIT?! What’s changed?!
I still have that computer. I may have that file saved away somewhere.
This post is hilarious! I found myself laughing out loud quite a few times! You have quite a gift for words. I love reading your take on anything and everything…
What can I say Racquel… its funny because it is true.
Comedy is not always pretty.
At least you held your cookies in. Last time I was on a coaster the kid in front of me let loose of a smoothy that still retained the faint smell of strawberries.
Ommmmfff!!! That is rough. Nothing like spending the rest of the day wearing an undigested smoothie from a stranger!!! Your a champion though Palerider… a champion!!!
I agree with Racquel: This one made me laugh out loud!! You are ridiculously hilarious.
I am just trying to stop the HATE!!! Glad I could make you smile!
You’ve outdone yourself on this one! Lord, have mercy~ you can tell a story, my friend!! Wonderful stuff~ I read this to my son and we were hysterical…I could barely read it! LOL
Glad to know a few of my stories can be shared with the family Luvpug!
Thanks for the comment and for reading!