Run Through the Jungle!!!

When I was a young man I fell in love with the woman who would one day be the mother of my children. Like most men in love I was willing to make some changes and accommodations in my life style so we would have a decent life together. She was/is athletic and pretty active so I stopped smoking Winston cigarettes and got myself off the tequila and even stopped drinking all together. By the time we married I had even been known to jog and work out on a regular basis. One thing I had not made any changes to was my diet. I still drank 3 or four cups of black coffee each day as well as 6 to 8 cans of Coca Cola (the real thing baby). I ate chicken wings, tacos, cheeseburgers and all things pork!!! I was not willing to make the ultimate dietary change.

We went on a 7 day Caribbean cruise for our honeymoon and about the third day at sea we stopped at the Island of Dominica. We got up for breakfast and as I headed for the “pork” table I was suddenly over come by the need to eat with my new wife at the “fruit” table. My wife gave me an appreciative look and was all excited to help me fill my plate. She put pineapple, and melons and other strange things in front of me. I had some fresh fruit and some granola mixed with low fat yogurt. OH BOY! But the best was yet to come because they had a little station set up where they would make you fresh fruit smoothies. I went to get one and said to the “swishy” little Hispanic fellow: “Mix me one of your specialties.” He nodded and as the machine gurgled and whirled he was dropping in fruit. He handed it to me with a wry smile and said: “This is a Guava fruit, Mango, Banana smoothie.” “Whatever”; I thought as I faked a smile and nodded. When I went back to the table and tasted it my mouth exploded with sweetness. It was awesome! I loved it but I couldn’t help but think that some rum would make it taste a lot better. I sucked it down and fought through the brain freeze and walked quickly back to the Smoothie station to see if my new favorite mixologist would work his magic for me once again. He complied with my request and I flashed him my genuine happy smile as he handed it to me. Mrs. Big Dirty, while thrilled I had bought into the whole eat healthy think, told me we had to hurry because our excursion would be leaving soon.

We had signed up for an extended hike through the rain forest. Dominica has like the northern most rainforest in the tropics or something. We got into this long open air bus that picked us up with the rest of the cruise geeks who were going to walk through the jungle instead of going on a kick-ass booze cruise. As the bus wound its way across the island I couldn’t help but thank God that I had remembered to put sunscreen on my face because the sun was really fierce and since it was December my pasty white skin hadn’t see the sun in a few months. It took about an hour to get to the starting point for the hike.

The rainforest was beautiful beyond words and all around me there was wild poinsettias and coffee plants. The guide was really informative and was quite insistent that we all stay together because the trail was difficult to follow and there were animals and such that lived there. I was enjoying the hell out of myself when out of the blue. My stomach made a gurgling sound and a growl and then twisted up and tied itself into a knot. It stopped me dead in my tracks! I stood there panicked, trying to fight against the powerful force that was telling me to release my bowels. As it turns out if you consume Granola, yogurt, fresh fruit, and a couple of Guava, Mango, and Banana smoothies it tends to give you the RUNS especially if your system is used to bacon and hard cheese. It was a desperate and precarious position to be in and I had to break the one hard fast rule the tour guide had and stepped off the trail un-noticed. I had no time to check for snakes or monkeys or spiders I quickly removed my shorts and let it rip. To say it was miserable is a huge understatement. I had one thing working in my favor… as a guy who worked outside and had to wear company t-shirts I had learned early in my working life to wear an undershirt beneath my good t-shirts so they didn’t get “pit” or sweat stains. I removed both of my t-shirts and as I stood naked in the jungle of Dominica I suppressed the urge to yell like Tarzan and quickly got the task of cleaning myself with my undershirt. When I was done I threw the t-shirt down stepped back on the trail and tried not to panic when I could no longer see my tour group. I hustled down the trail thinking how lucky I was to dodge disaster because it could’ve been a lot worse. But Mother Nature and the high fiber express wasn’t done with me. Just as I located the group and rejoined them with just an inquisitive look from Mrs. Big Dirty, the Fiber Freight Train struck again. As the group continued forward looking at the beautiful flora, for the second time that day I broke the rules and stepped off the trail and let the train leave the station. The only problem I had was I no longer had the “extra” t-shirt to help out with the clean up. I remember cussing to myself as I scanned the terrain for a poinsettia to use but it was no use there were none around and so I was forced to kick off my shoes and remove my socks for the second time in like 30 minutes I stood naked in the jungle scared to death that a puma or something would attack. I could almost imagine the shame my parents would feel when they heard I had died naked with violent diarrhea in the jungle as the result of a poisonous snake attack or something. I re-emerged back on the trail sock-less with one t-shirt and the fear of being left behind. I kept telling myself not to panic focus on catching up with the group and keeping my sphincter closed. When I found the group my wife asked; “Where the hell do you keep going?!” I told her that I was struggling with some gastrointestinal issues and that the smoothies were anything but smooth. She asked if I was going to be ok. I told her very plainly; “I hope so because I am running out of clothes to wipe my ass with!” She gave me this horrified look but nodded instead of saying anything. Some things are best left unspoken. I was hoping the worst was behind me but as the rubbing of the back of my shoes and the onset of blisters began I knew this day was far from being over and far from improving. I did manage to hike a while and as I focused on my newly forming blisters to take my mind off of my sphincter spasms. But with about a mile left in the hike, disaster struck a third time. Off the trail I went again, praying that some animal would eat me just to end my misery. By now I was an expert at disrobing in the rain forest however the issue I had now was… how do I clean up? If I use my underwear I have no protection from a “Shart” or a “Bubbler” but I had nothing left so I sacrificed my drawls for the sake of my own personal cleanliness. This time when I re-emerged onto the trail my wife was waiting… she was concerned. I told her; “I might be the only guy to ever lose weight on a cruise.” I finally made it back to the road and the open air bus. As we were waiting for the other group to make it back to the bus lightning struck for the fourth time!!! I high tailed it back into the rain forest to find some cover and let it rip again! The final slap in the face occurred as I rode in the open air bus on the way home with no shirt as the mid-day sun of the tropics beat down on my shoulders. About 45 minutes into the trip back to the boat the woman behind me tap me on the shoulders and said; “You should put your shirt back on because your shoulders are getting really red.” I replied quite courtly; “I would but I wiped my filthy ass with it back in the rain forest.” Needless to say the rest of the ride was a quiet one.

After a day of recovery… I spent the rest of the trip chain smoking, eating everything that was unhealthy on the boat 24/7, and knocking back shots of tequila every chance I could.

Tags: booze cruise, caribbean cruise, dominica, drinking, fiber freight train, flora, fresh fruit smothies, fruit table, guava, honeymoon, mango, married, pork table, rain forest, release my bowels, tequila, the runs, winston cigarettes